It’s not a secret that dating is particularly difficult for Catholics right now. 

In fact, the Church is keenly aware of this crisis and has turned its attention to bringing marriage-minded Catholics together.

But according to one still-single Catholic, that has almost made things more difficult for those who are wondering, “Why am I not married yet?”

“We thought some level of transparency or shared concern would help, and to an extent it has, but ultimately it has led to more frustration,” said Isaac Huss, 39, a Minneapolis-based Catholic who writes and speaks on dating.

Huss’ assessment reveals a challenging riddle: Despite identifying individual aspects of the problem, solving it remains elusive. This difficulty suggests that the Catholic dating crisis is more than just the sums of its parts — and that understanding the whole picture is important for those hoping to remediate a trend that has led to declining marriage rates, lower birth rates, and many feeling vocationally adrift.

Many of the complexities flow from the fact that Catholic dating has largely mapped on to an already dysfunctional general dating model. The rise of online dating, the demise of communal meeting spaces and networks, and the prevalence of casual sex are widespread problems that affect Catholics, too. And on top of that is the additional challenge of two people finding each other who both want to pursue a holy marriage and have a mutual attraction.

 

A ‘Mirage of Options’

Meghan Strauss, 29, is familiar with many of these difficulties. After all, the Chicago Catholic went viral in 2019 for tweeting “Marry me you cowards!” which she told the Register was an expression of “general frustration” over the state of dating.

“It’s a tricky time to date,” Strauss told the Register.

Married as of September 2024, Strauss described her dating experience as a version of being caught between a rock and a hard place. The men she matched with online often lacked intention and a faith life, even if they had self-selected “Catholic.” But she also found it was hard to form a connection with the young men she met at explicitly Catholic events.

Strauss did eventually meet her husband, Logan, through St. Alphonsus, a parish known for its vibrant young-adult scene. 

But many Catholic couples do meet on dating apps — which Huss described as a double-edged sword.

On the one hand, apps like Hinge and Catholic Match can connect people who otherwise would never meet. But on the other, they can give “the mirage of options,” Huss said, which can actually interfere with one’s willingness to pursue someone they actually know in real life.

“You’ve never met the person, but you might think, ‘Why would I bother with Suzie from the young-adult group when Stacy on Instagram is liking my post?’” he said.

As a result, Huss said that it’s not uncommon for the Catholic young-adult scene to be marked by groups of singles who hang out together but end up resentful when romantic matches don’t occur.

 

‘We Live in Babel’

Some of that frustration was evident at an event for Catholic singles at the National Eucharistic Congress (NEC) in Indianapolis this past summer. Hosted by The Catholic Project, a think tank at The Catholic University of America, participants responded to a survey asking what the Church could do better to aid singles. 

Many expressed a desire for more Church-sponsored programming for singles. Others in their 40s and 30s expressed hopelessness at meeting someone at their age. Still others expressed frustration with the opposite sex.

This last line of tension seems to be a fault line running through the dating landscape. 

Catholic women often express disappointment that there is a lack of eligible Catholic bachelors and that those men who qualify fail to take initiative. Men tend to complain that Catholic women aren’t open enough to their advances and send mixed signals.

According to author Rachel Hoover Canto, an underlying problem is the collapse of a shared culture of dating expectations, from the first date to engagement. These patterns used to be well-known and followed, but “[n]ow, we live in Babel,” she wrote for Catholic World Report in January 2023 in a two-part exposé on Catholic dating.

Citing a survey of 300 Catholic singles she conducted, Hoover Canto also noted that uniquely Catholic problems like getting “stuck in discernment” of one’s vocation can be a compounding factor. An additional difficulty, she added, is the emergence of “Catholic camps” that make liturgical preferences or views on stay-at-home moms inflexible requirements.

“The answer to each of these questions and many more acts as yet another filter, often dividing devout Catholic [men] from devout Catholic [women],” wrote Hoover Canto, who lives in Nashville with her husband and is the author of Pretty Good Catholic: How to Find, Date, and Marry Someone Who Shares Your Faith.

 

Finding ‘a Particular Person’

Despite all of the challenges and frustrations found amid the current dating landscape, Catholics are still getting married and many more still desire to do so.

But even with a strong desire to marry and awareness of the obstacles, there’s still the problem of finding a particular match.

Huss said that while the dating crisis is universal, it’s not solvable by simply telling your two single friends they should get married. Attraction and personal compatibility are still relevant criteria.

“It’s not a vocation to marriage. It’s a vocation to marry a particular person,” he said.

Sara Perla, the communications manager of The Catholic Project, agreed. A single Catholic in her early 40s, she told EWTN News following the NEC event that the challenge is more than just finding someone who shares the faith. 

“I can’t just meet a Catholic guy. I have to meet a Catholic guy who is interesting and who is interested in me.” 

Editor’s Note: This story has been updated. A previous version of this story attributed a quote inaccurately to Sara Perla. A new quote has been added from her conversation with EWTN News.