When did Catherine Anderson know she was called to stand to give witness to the permanence of her marriage?

“At the altar,” she told fellow retreatants who gathered in Atlanta for a three-day retreat entitled “What God Has Joined.” The November conference, the first of its kind, was geared toward Catholic “standers” — men and women who seek to remain faithful to their marital vows despite separation or divorce.

The retreat was sponsored by the Archdiocese of Atlanta and Catholics for Marriage Restoration, a group of approximately three dozen people who have met by Zoom since 2021. Speakers included priests, tribunal officials and Catholic authors. Topics centered on helping retreatants grow in their relationship with Christ, better understand Church teachings about marriage, and appreciate that they’re not alone. Breaks provided opportunities for Mass, adoration, confession, fellowship and spiritual counseling.

For centuries, the Catholic Church has revered its martyrs for marriage, from St. John the Baptist, who was beheaded after condemning Herod for adultery, to St. Thomas More, who gave his life defending the Church’s teaching on the indissolubility of marriage when Henry VIII sought a divorce. For several decades, however, lay defenders of the sacramental bond have been reviled by the culture and ignored by many in the Church.

Many years ago, I started writing about defending my own marriage. Commenters criticized my belief in marital permanence and my desire to hold my husband to his promises. A feminist website spoke out in support of my cheating husband. The family court chastised me for contesting my husband’s divorce action.

But what was so controversial about loving my husband and children and wanting to save my family from the heartache of divorce? Nothing. Many other Catholics emailed to tell me I wasn’t alone. And what most grieved many of them was not betrayal by their spouse, society or the judicial system, but their feeling of being abandoned by the Church.

When retreat coordinator Amanda Henderson faced divorce, she sought clarity about biblical and Church teachings and canon law as it pertained to her marriage. She felt frustrated by the “move-on-and-get-over-it” cultural narrative. A friend introduced her to Father Nathanael Block, an Arizona pastor and judicial vicar for the Diocese of Gallup, New Mexico. Their conversation eventually led him, after the Archdiocese of Atlanta signed on as co-host, to fly to Georgia and serve as spiritual director of the retreat.

“Ultimately, this work is important because Christian marriage is both a vocation and a sacrament — that is, a path to Heaven and a means of becoming holy,” he explained. “As the culture becomes more hostile to Holy Matrimony, spouses in painful situations need more assistance and encouragement from Holy Mother Church.”

And for three days retreatants got exactly that, along with consolation and practical advice for deepening their prayer life.

Father Robert Altier, author of God’s Plan for Your Marriage, opened his talk by thanking those present “for taking your word seriously.” He acknowledged the heavy burdens abandoned spouses carry on their shoulders while seeking to remain faithful to their vows.

“Defending the sacrament of marriage is the stuff of saints,” said author John Clark, whose address focused on the white martyrs of the Church who live for the faith instead of dying for it. At the end of his talk, the group gave him a standing ovation.

Although reconciliation with spouses is a worthy goal — and some couples do reconcile — it is not necessary to reunite to grow in holiness. “‘Standing’ conforms an abandoned spouse to Christ, who is the ultimate abandoned spouse,” said Leila Miller, author of Impossible Marriages Redeemed, who spoke by video. A couple’s children also “need to see a witness of fidelity to death, as Christ was faithful to us, his wayward and unfaithful spouse, to death. We do everything in imitation of Christ.”

Unwanted divorce produced the greatest suffering of my life. But it was also instrumental in my conversion to Catholicism. It led to encounters with faithful Catholics and priests who taught me the Rosary. And it provided new purpose, borne out of God’s rich plan for my life, I told retreatants.

I now stand for the marriage of others through my writing, and advocate for the elimination of no-fault divorce. As Father Block pointed out, our culture is hostile to marriage. After the passage of no-fault divorce laws, divorce rates shot up. Today, the marriage rate is at its lowest point in recorded history. Extensive research demonstrates that children of divorce suffer in every measure of wellness. And underlying all this visible damage, there is a tragic denial of the essential Catholic doctrine, established by Christ himself, that a valid, sacramental marriage between two baptized persons is indissoluble by its very nature.

The last day of the retreat opened with a lively panel discussion. Most questions related to the validity of marriage and tribunal decisions — thorny topics that two officials of the Archdiocese of Atlanta, judicial vicar Father Daniel Ketter and diocesan judge Dr. Felix Menendez, handled with grace and good humor. During his earlier talk, Menendez acknowledged the relatively high number of annulments among U.S. Catholics. Nevertheless, the Church labors to get it right and, unfortunately, “sometimes the [marital] contract is invalid,” he noted, outlining the various causes of action for nullity.

The following day, Atlanta Auxiliary Bishop John Nhàn Trần celebrated a healing Mass for separated and divorced individuals at St. Catherine of Siena in North Atlanta, which offers a rich marriage ministry. It was the feast day of St. Gertrude the Great — a fitting occasion, he remarked during his homily. For St. Gertrude, “all the plans she made for herself fell apart.” Like her, the retreatants had experienced loss, loneliness and spiritual dryness in circumstances in which they might understandably be angry with God and the Church.

“Yet you are here,” he said. And “you have much to offer in a way I cannot do, by your sacrifice and suffering. I have great admiration for your strength.” In a moment of humility, he apologized on behalf of “priests who may not have been as supportive as we should have been for you.”

But despite so many difficulties, these Catholic witnesses have continued to carry their marital cross and remain patient and faithful. Before the retreat began, several attendees had been contemplating leaving the Church. By retreat’s end, they had renewed their determination to stay.

During the vow renewal ceremony at the retreat, 16 separated and divorced women and men knelt at the altar and renewed their marriage vows. Mark Feliz, from Colorado, was one of them.

“The retreat created in me an abundance of gratitude for the grace of standing for my one and only marriage for 27 years,” he said. “To God be the glory!”

Beverly Willett is a retired New York City attorney, author of Disassembly Required: A Memoir of Midlife Resurrection (Post Hill Press), a memoir about healing after a civil law divorce, and co-founder of the Coalition for Divorce Reform. She writes from Savannah, Georgia.