Q. My wife and I, once lapsed Catholics, have returned to the faith and seek to live according to Church teaching. Years ago, after struggling with infertility, we turned to IVF and conceived our now 10-year-old son, who is the joy of our lives. We have repented, understanding the Church’s teachings on this, and we find especially repugnant the fact that many embryos often die or languish in frozen storage for every successful IVF birth. Are we morally obligated to tell our son that he was conceived through IVF, or would doing so cause unnecessary distress? — Thomas, Virginia

A. The Lord’s kindness and mercy are incalculable, and you can be confident that your repentance and humble reception of these gifts are very pleasing to him. 

And you are right not to lose sight of the many lives likely lost in the process of IVF. To understand the proper attitude to take about the children that were lost, I encourage you to read the wise and compassionate words that Pope St. John Paul II addressed to women who have had abortions (see Evangelium Vitae, 99).

But the evil of IVF extends beyond the loss of these children; it also affects the child who is brought to birth. Many IVF parents are unaware of this evil, as they genuinely love and cherish their child. Nevertheless, bringing children into existence through a laboratory process rather than a loving act of marital intercourse objectively treats them as products rather than persons. (I have commented on the morality of IVF here and here.)

Children can be harmed in many ways, and as you rightly ask, parents must consider whether they have any obligation to share sensitive information about their welfare stemming from evils that were done to them when they were young. 

The answer depends on what is best for the child, which requires, among other things, understanding how the child may have been harmed. (On risks to children of IVF, see here, here, here and here.)

 If children were adopted, conceived in rape or suffered early abuse, parents should ordinarily tell them at an age-appropriate time so they will be better able to deal with issues that might arise in their lives as a result. The same may apply to IVF conceptions.

But since this is a question of a positive obligation (“Should I do X or Y?”), there is no absolute answer. Such questions are governed by what St. Thomas Aquinas calls “affirmative moral norms,” which allow exceptions, unlike negative norms (“Do not commit adultery”), which are exceptionless. So, whereas there may be a prima facie obligation to tell our children about such things, there is no absolute obligation. 

To assess whether parents have an obligation to disclose IVF conception, they must consider the reasons for and against telling their children.

Should I Have Been Born?

Before considering the competing reasons, it is worth considering a complication that will likely arise for people who come to realize both that they were created through IVF and that IVF is gravely wrong. They will almost certainly wonder: “Should I never have existed? Did God not intend for me to be here?” 

This question applies not just to IVF but to every out-of-wedlock pregnancy — whether from rape, incest, adultery, or premarital sex, even when the couple later marries — as well as to a pregnancy within wedlock that does not result from a morally upright act of marital intercourse, including one conceived despite the use of contraception or at a time when the couple should have abstained.

Whenever we sin, even venially, God’s will is thwarted, preventing all sorts of goods that otherwise would have come into existence from doing so. But because God brings good out of evil, it also means that all sorts of goods come into existence that otherwise would not have. 

In a sinful world, everyone fits into the latter category. The good of each person’s existence is conditioned by their sinful lineage; none of us came into existence apart from the previous sins of others. The circumstances that enabled our ancestors to meet — and thus to have descendants, including us — would not have existed had there been no sin. This includes even Jesus’ lineage, which is conditioned by, among other sins, King David’s adultery with Bathsheba.

To be sure, people may find it more emotionally disturbing when their existence depends on an antecedent evil that is very proximate to their conception, as with IVF or other immoral acts. But the key point remains: Evil has conditioned everyone’s coming into existence, and the timing of that evil is utterly irrelevant.

Thus, when dealing with the sensitive issue of IVF conception, we must remember that God brings great good out of evil, no matter when the evil takes place. That good includes the good of each one of us, including those who have been successfully brought to birth through IVF and the many more embryonic persons who have been discarded, experimented on, or indefinitely frozen. 

From all eternity, God knew we would exist. Since none of us can exist without God willing it, we can be confident that God willed us to exist, even though he did not (and does not) will any evil — including the evil that conditioned our coming into existence.

So the answer to the question of whether God intended me to exist is a resounding Yes! — to everyone, including those conceived through IVF.

Moreover, he intends that each of us comes to know him personally, embrace the unique life of good works that he calls us to (Ephesians 2:10), and ultimately come to be with him forever in his Kingdom.

Reasons Why Parents Might Not Tell Their Children

Let us now consider the reasons for and against telling children they were conceived through IVF.

The chief concern of parents is that disclosing this information could seriously harm their child or their relationship with their children. 

Learning this information could cause significant emotional distress, especially when children learn, as they almost certainly will, that some of their brothers and sisters who were also conceived through IVF died — and indeed, that those embryonic siblings judged to be deficient were killed. (Only about 7% of the embryos created through IVF result in successful pregnancies.) 

Since the surviving children were subjected to the same eugenic screening procedure as their unfortunate siblings, they will realize that if they had been judged deficient in some way by the laboratory technicians, they too would have been discarded. This means that unless their parents were unaware that such deaths are typically a feature of the IVF process, their parents were also willing for them to be discarded. This knowledge could create deep divisions between them and their parents — divisions that parents would naturally like to avoid.

If their children’s psychological condition is particularly vulnerable, parents may even fear that disclosing this information to their children might cause distress significant enough to motivate them to harm themselves. 

Another reason, albeit weaker, is the natural reticence to disclose such sensitive information. Parents may feel there is no right moment to do so, or that they have missed the opportunity. They may justify delaying the conversation by waiting for some unrealistic ideal time that may never come.

Finally, if donor gametes were used, children may want to seek out their biological parents, which their adoptive parents might believe is highly inadvisable.

If we considered only these reasons against disclosure, there might be a strong presumption against doing so. But I believe any such presumption is ordinarily overcome by the far stronger reasons for disclosing such an important piece of information.

Reasons Why Parents Should Tell Their Children

Parents should almost always tell their children whatever they need, or may need, to know in order to understand themselves sufficiently to be at peace with themselves, make good choices and follow God’s will in their lives. There are several reasons, in the case of IVF, why disclosure would be necessary for children to live their personal vocations fruitfully.

Even if parents are ignorant of the evil of IVF — and we may presume that most who choose IVF think, or have convinced themselves, that they are doing a good thing — bringing children into the world as the product of a laboratory procedure still does them great harm.

When sinful means are used to bring about conception, one should expect negative spiritual effects that may need healing and even deliverance. The parents may begin the process by receiving the Lord’s gracious forgiveness, but the children conceived through IVF may also need spiritual healing. When children reach an appropriate age, they should be free — and encouraged — to pursue these blessings through the prayers and sacraments of the Church. 

Being conceived through IVF may harm children physically or psychologically. Many IVF children have been frozen for a time, some for many years, before being thawed and gestated. Who knows the long-term effects of such reckless manipulation of nascent human life? 

Adult children of IVF, in order to understand their psychological and physical vulnerabilities — in other words, to achieve salutary self-knowledge — may need to know the conditions of their conception to care well for their health. This is especially the case for IVF children conceived with donor gametes who may need to know who their biological mothers or fathers are in order to deal with medical exigencies.

When children become aware of the injustice that was done to them, they may understandably experience it as a core wound that needs healing. But that injustice is no less real when children do not find out about it. Depriving them of the opportunity to deal with its repercussions may very well be unfair. (For recent studies on mental-health risks for IVF children, see here and here.)

Moreover, since IVF is one of the great evils of our time, good parents will do what they can to help their children understand this. But parents who do not tell their children that they were conceived through IVF will probably find that keeping this secret will inhibit discussions that they ought to have with their children about that great evil.

Telling their children might also be necessary for their children to be able to discern and live out a possible call from the Lord. Not telling them would deprive them of being able to bear proper witness to the wrongness of IVF and to the goodness, despite that wrongness, of those conceived by IVF, including — perhaps especially — the goodness of those who have been lethally experimented upon, discarded or indefinitely frozen.

Additionally, it is highly likely that other family members, as well as the parents and medical personnel, will be aware of the circumstances of the children’s conception. If such is the case, it will not be an easy secret to keep. 

There will be a significant possibility that the children will learn in some other way that they have been conceived through IVF, or will at least suspect this. This will almost certainly be far worse for the children and their relationships with their parents than if the parents themselves disclose this information as soon as is appropriate, because if their children find out in some other way, they are likely to feel terribly betrayed.

Finally, if parents do not disclose this information, they may find themselves tempted to lie about this matter, and the norm against lying is absolute. And if, despite their parents’ lies, the children discover the truth, their sense of betrayal will be far deeper.

For all of these reasons, it is ordinarily the case that parents have an obligation to tell their IVF children about the circumstances of their conception. 

How Should I Tell My Children?

Telling children that they were conceived through IVF is obviously a matter of great delicacy, and it requires an understanding of the child’s maturity level and current emotional readiness. To gain some insight into this matter, parents might consider consulting with a Catholic child psychologist who is committed to the Church’s moral teachings. 

Because circumstances differ and discernment is necessary as to how precisely to communicate this delicate matter to a child, I will limit my comments to what applies most broadly to cases of this kind. 

For parents to humbly tell their children about their serious mistake is usually a necessary step in helping them understand and deal with the injustice and its consequences. Parents should approach the conversation with love, honesty and sensitivity and provide the ongoing support their children need to navigate their emotions and experiences. 

With the issue of infant adoption, experts generally agree that it is best to introduce children to the concept of adoption and to the fact of their own adoption at a relatively young age. This is because early disclosure allows children to grow up with the knowledge, making it a natural part of their identity. There are important differences with IVF, the most obvious being the complexity of the procedure and the reasons for its wrongness, but there is some wisdom in disclosing the fact as early as it can be appropriately communicated.

This communication should normally be done in stages. Perhaps before the child reaches the age of 7, introduce the concept of fertilization (or conception): “A tiny bit of Mommy’s heart and Daddy’s heart come together to form a new tiny child, and the tiny child grows inside Mommy’s tummy.” 

Sometime thereafter, perhaps around age 10, explain that according to God’s plan, children should be conceived in the loving union of a mother and father, but that sometimes parents, especially those who struggle with infertility, do something they shouldn’t do: They bring a baby into the world outside of the context of this special love.

“This is how we conceived you,” you might say; “and for doing it in this way, we are very sorry. You need to know that we always wanted you and prayed for you, and we love you more than anything in the world. You are God’s most precious gift to us.”

 As children mature, parents can provide more detailed information and address any questions they might have. It’s important to ensure that the narrative is age-appropriate and evolves with their understanding.

I thank Jesuit Father Peter Ryan for his assistance with this article.