“Why can’t I let it go?” she said.  A good friend was talking about her frustration at having to confess gossip time after time.  I used to lament this same need to always confess gossip. I patted myself on the back, thinking, “I conquered this! Well done, You!”  

“Wait! Not so fast!” I heard in reply, pride knocking at my door. Did I really conquer this? It is never a simple thing to conquer a sin. Once we get the first layer out, we usually find a more insidious spread. Unless you pull a weed by its root, it will never go away. You can make your garden pretty by cutting a weed at the surface, but only temporarily. Time to dig deep!

Casually talking about acquaintances is not the only way we commit this sin. What about when we discuss our close friends and family members? I recalled the shame I felt when my son walked in on a conversation I was having with my husband about him. We can justify this in many ways, but think about how you would feel walking in on a discussion about you: Would you feel betrayal? Distrust? Fear?  

I am reminded of what I learned about St. Monica in Confessions, by her son, St. Augustine. Known as the mother who prayed 17 years for her son’s conversion, her husband’s conversion story is surprising.  

 

A Saint’s Example

Raised nominally Christian, Monica was given in marriage to a pagan. Patricius was not very kind to Monica. In fact, he was abusive: verbally, emotionally, maybe more. Matters were made worse when he brought his mother to live with them. For years, Monica endured constant yelling and berating from both of them. 

As prominent members in their village, everyone knew there were problems in the home of Patricius and Monica, but no one had any details: Monica was always working with a gaggle of gossiping women, who, knowing of her abusive situation, were always trying to get Monica to “vent” and share details of her “victimhood.” Whether or not they were concerned was beside the point — mostly, they wanted a good story they could share with their friends. 

Monica would never speak poorly of her husband or his mother, no matter how justified it would have been. Eventually, Patricius noticed this! The things she did not say, her refusal to gossip and complain, the fact that she never spoke ill of anyone — this all made such a huge impression on him. In fact, it made such a big impact that he converted, and so did his mother.

It is important to really look at what we are seeking when we talk about others. 

Do we love to be the center of attention or seek approval and popularity? Discussing another’s faults or shocking stories gives us a false sense of love and security. By pointing out the ugly things about others, no one will be looking at ours, making us believe we are elevated in the opinion of others. 

Do we secretly enjoy the pity of others? Do we complain to everyone we know? This can earn us a “You poor thing! I can’t believe you have to endure that!” But, in reality, we are embracing self-pity. 

Do we justify the need to vent when we are struggling with hurt, resentment or anger towards a friend or family member? Wanting so badly to “talk it through” leads us to choose anyone who will listen. Ironically, most of these times we are not willing to listen to what that person says in response. 

 

Practice Virtue

It is not enough to simply say “don’t gossip.” Rather, we should work to practice other habits or virtues that will replace it, to follow the instruction of the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Here are some ideas: 

•  Pray daily, asking God to guide your tongue to speak his words. 
• Cultivate a particular virtue to practice, such as humility, thinking well of others, or gentleness of judgement. Develop a few concrete ways to practice. 
• Journal complaints in a discussion with God. Writing allows you to get them out of your mind. Give him the chance to speak to you. 
• Nightly conscience exam and confession, with a focus on sins of the tongue. 
• Speak well of others.
• Flip conversations going in the wrong direction. 

There will be times that we need to vent or talk things through. Pick a trusted person such as a spiritual director, priest or counselor. Be open to a different perspective. Be willing to change your mind and heart based on this perspective. And, if you must discuss your children with your spouse, be discreet!

 “Those who spare their words are truly knowledgeable, and those who are discreet are intelligent.” — Proverbs 17:27

 

Margaret Gartlgruber is a contributor to Cloud of Witnesses: 25 Stories of Saintly Inspiration and Intercession (Faith & Family Publications, 2025). As a wife and semi-retired stay-at-home mom, she writes of her experiences, strengths and hopes in Catholic family life, hoping to encourage young moms to fully embrace their vocation.