Excerpted from Family Faith Under Fire: Practical Answers to Everyday Challenges

A paramount desire of faith-filled parents is to pass the Faith on to their children. Their hope is that their children will embrace that Faith throughout childhood and beyond.

So it is with deep distress and no little guilt that a parent watches her child suspect, neglect, or reject much or most of his childhood beliefs. The self-doubt and second-guessing disrupt not only her inner peace but her relationship with her now young adults.

While all things church may not be unfolding as Mom or Dad expected, that doesn’t mean they are at fault. It also doesn’t mean the story is over.

Talk the Walk

Dear Dr. Ray: I’ve always believed that my actions speak louder than my words. So, as the saying goes, rather than talk religion, I’ve chosen to walk religion. My kids are nine and thirteen, and I’m not sure they’re walking behind me. —Speechless

The following saying has long been attributed to St. Francis: “Preach the gospel always, and if necessary, use words.” In fact, St. Francis never said that. He was a preeminent preacher. The power of his words derived from the power of his actions. The two moved in inseparable tandem. One reinforced the other. Alone, each would not have carried the same weight.

Practice what you preach; walk your talk; values are caught, not taught; children learn what they live. These are all worthy phrases, with a large measure of truth. But they don’t speak the full truth. Most people — “people” includes kids here — are indeed more influenced by another’s behavior than by that person’s speech. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then images of good living are worth many thousands of words. Actions that don’t match my words, to be sure, hollow out those words.

Yet actions alone are not necessarily sufficient. Words reinforce actions.

First assumption: You are older than your children. Thus, your moral conduct may be more obvious to you than to them. It takes maturity to draw moral lessons from what one sees in others. A nine- and a thirteen-year-old are still growing into moral maturity. For that matter, so are many adults.

Second assumption: Your kids are human. As such, their nature is fallen, bent toward self-interest. Yes, they can observe your example, assuming they are paying attention. Interest in your example, however, collides with their self-interest. While pulled toward emulating you, they are also pulled toward their own wants.

Third assumption: You are human. You, too, have a fallen nature, which can sabotage your best intentions to be a bright moral light. Even the holiest of saints know their light can flicker. Acting with moral consistency is a lifelong journey.

Fourth assumption: Your behavior is overall quite admirable. But does it ever resemble that of a nine-year-old or, worse, a thirteen-year-old? Try as you might, your fallen nature intrudes and sends your kids, as psychologists term it, “mixed messages.” Meaning, they aren’t likely to think, “Gee, Mom is so good almost all the time. But she’s only human, and every so often she slips. I understand. I, too, have that trouble.”

A child’s bias is to interpret a parent’s moral inconsistencies in his favor. Just ask any parent who — after forty straight days of unrattled demeanor in the face of adolescent eye rolls and “Yeah, rights” — finally erupts. Will she be rewarded with, “Oh, Mother, I’m so sorry I’ve pushed you to your limit these past forty days. You are a walking, talking saint to have endured so long”? Or will she be charged with, “See, you’re always telling me to show you respect, but you don’t show me any. If you want respect, you have to give respect”?

Some twenty years ago, I returned to the Church, determined to act in moral concert with my beliefs. I don’t know if people haven’t been paying attention or if I’m not as obviously holy as I think. Either way, I’m still waiting to hear, “Ray, I’ve been watching you for some time now, and I’ve been so moved by your moral witness. Can you please tell me the basis for it?”

When the opportunity presents itself, I must be ready to talk my faith too. Without a willingness to offer the reasons underlying my conduct, I could be viewed, at best, as a nice guy. God wouldn’t get any of the credit.

Speak openly with your kids about why you live the way you do. It’s not that you’re merely trying to be a good mom. It goes far deeper than that. It all flows from your relationship with Christ. Words by themselves don’t teach durably. Actions by themselves are more potent than words. For maximum teaching, however, one needs words and actions, both moving in the same direction. To rephrase whoever said it: Preach the gospel always, and make sure your walk matches your talk.