If you want to have a fruitful, holy Lenten season, I highly recommend you do not:

1. Attempt absurd penances. Not all penances are appropriate for every state in life, and we shouldn’t choose our penances based on what others are doing. 

Early in our marriage, my husband Dave and I wanted to give up coffee for Lent. He found the idea to be so outrageous, he consulted one of our priest friends, and they both convinced me not to do it. Their reasoning: Though it sounded noble, giving up coffee in my state of life (full-time working mom) would result in catastrophic crashes in my energy levels, my mood and my ability to perform my job and family duties. Worst-case scenario: It would be an occasion of sin, due to willful neglect of those duties or lashing out at my husband from lack of caffeine and Christian charity. Yes, that seems outrageous and a reasonable argument for needing to give up coffee (for the record, it’s a decade later, and I’m down to barely any daily caffeine), but at the time, they were right! There were much more reasonable, necessary and appropriately difficult penances that would have yielded much better fruit for me.

I know it sounds courageous to take cold showers for 40 days straight, or to go on a bread-and-water fast, but if you’re only doing those things to say you did them without a legitimate concern for the deeper spiritual issue (which I’ll get to in point No. 3), then you’re better off choosing another penance. 

Be sure to pray before selecting a penance, and, if possible, discuss with your spouse, spiritual director or pastor.

2. Treat it like a second go at New Year’s resolutions. 

It might make sense to double down on the weight loss and exercise goals as the weather gets warmer, but resist the temptation to enmesh those goals with penances. By practicing the three pillars of Lent (prayer, fasting and almsgiving), we can make the most of the season and truly become better, holier people come Easter Sunday. Sure, you can adopt food-based penances, but be sure to do so with a purpose. St. Thomas Aquinas tells us in the Summa Theologica that fasting leads us to grow in virtue, namely, chastity, as it aids in our contemplative prayer, and it allows us to make reparation for our sins (II-II Q. 147).

Neglect your spiritual shortcomings. 

I once heard someone say that “fasting without prayer is just a diet.” They couldn’t be more accurate! Jesus tells us that some demons can only be cast out by prayer and fasting (Matthew 17:21). Lent is a perfect time to hone in on our habitual sins, and by combining prayer and fasting — and the sacraments — we are empowered by supernatural grace to combat those vices and become more like Christ.

I’d like to circle back to points No. 1 and 2 as they relate to point No. 3: If you suffer from serious habitual sin that requires more intense action to overcome, it’s extremely helpful to enlist the assistance of a spiritual director or a priest.

Skip confession. 

Per the precepts of the Church, Catholics are only required to go to confession once per year, but I’d like to challenge you to go once during Lent. After all, while you’re ramping up your prayer and penance, you’ll need an abundance of grace to fight temptation, just as Jesus did in the desert. My husband and I wrote a helpful “Examination of Conscience for Tired Parents” that is a great starting point for making a good confession. (Also see the guides here and here, as well as via EWTN.)

Maintain the status quo. 

If you arrive at Easter Sunday and you’re not holier than you were on Ash Wednesday, something is wrong! If you did your 40 days of cold showers but you’re still a jerk to your family, or you’re still addicted to social media, or you still drive with deadly road rage, something is wrong! This is why it’s important to choose a penance more substantive than giving up sweets or TV: Giving up those things temporarily doesn’t radically change you as a person. Mother Angelica’s teachings on this are so profound:

“I need to give up something that I know is wrong in me,” she reflected, “and then perhaps these 40 days will get you in a habit — not this kind of habit [meaning her religious clothing] — but a habit of not losing your temper, a habit of being nice, a habit of being kind. And begin with your family.” 

May the Holy Spirit enlighten our hearts and minds, that we might choose the penance that will be appropriate for our state in life, the most helpful for rooting out our vices, and the most fruitful for leading us closer to heaven.